Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Classic Lines

Some lines are etched in our memories forever. They are classics and never fail to trigger a response in most people.

“Houston, we have a problem”
"You're gonna need a bigger boat."
"You don't understand! I could've had class. I could've
been a contender. I could've been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am. Let's face it......
It was you, Charley."
"I'll be back."
"A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti."
"Use the Force, Luke."
"He-e-e-e-re's Johnnie!"
"Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me. Aren't you?"
"They're heee-re."
"Roads? Where we're going we don't need - roads."
"Your mother's in here with us, Karras. Would you
like to leave a message? I'll see that she gets it."
"I see dead people."
"Open the pod bay doors, HAL."
"Flying's very dangerous. In 1987, there
were thirty airline accidents. Two hundred and
eleven were fatalities...Quantas never crashed."
“Look, you fools. You're in danger.
Can't you see? They're after you. They're after all
of us. Our wives, our children, everyone. They're here
already. You're next!"
"He slimed me."
"I have a head for business and a bod for sin. Is
there anything wrong with that?"
“I think you have a problem with your drains”.

Actually that last one isn’t from a film but I heard it on Monday afternoon and it had the same effect as the line from Sixth Sense “I see dead people”. Cold sweat, shivers, dry throat. I can hear a strange wizzing sound. It is the sound of my bank account being cleaned out as some enormous hourly rate ticks by and sucks every dollar for miles around like a black hole sucking in light. (Think I may have overdosed on the film lines there and got myself a case of Arthur C Clarkealitis”).

Mrs R and I went investigating yesterday as there is no sign of any problem near our house. The neighbour who alerted us showed us where the water was running down their steps so that was our starting point.

Our house sits a way above Onslow Road in Khandallah. When it was built in the 60’s its address was Onslow Road and there was a long set of steps winding up to the house. We knew where the steps were but they were well overgrown being unused since a new road was built in the 70’s that gave drive-on access. I had explored the path when we first moved in but have never ventured down there since.

Along the path are two white plastic drain inspection holes. We battled our way down through the bush to the first one. Clear. Down to the second one. Clear but oh, joy what timing as a jobby flowed by. So glad Ms R is toilet trained.

Then the steps end. There is a big gap about 25 metres of very mature vegetation and then a sheer drop of about 10 metres down to Onslow Road. This means that we have to use our neighbours’ path through their garden to get to the entrance of both properties that share a common set of steps in the road reserve. We then find a few more steps that go in the right general direction and we start digging.

5 steps later this path ends but there is water running down it. Nothing for it but to fight through from the top which we do with the help of shears and a spade. Finally I find a power pole and around its base is a nice collection of toilet paper and freshly laid jobbies. Eureka. Can’t see any pipes though but our neighbour has now found her boundary plans which have a very detailed map of the layout including the steps (which do actually have a big gap in them), the power pole and the sewage pipes. It appears that the drain runs straight down under the steps, past the power pole and over the drop down to the main sewer. So what we have is a major break between the last inspection hole and the power pole, the area that is a jungle. Nice.

I ring a drain expert company. They are coming today with a CCTV mole (visions of a camera stapled to a mole) to work out where the break is and to patch it up. The helpful woman suggested that to save money we could dig up the pipes ourselves. Sadly, I don’t do digging. I can mow a lawn, fix a fence and paint but I am missing the digging gene. I would lose toes and then I wouldn’t be able to play football with the kids….

The picture below shows the path up towards the house. There is no machine access so some big sweaty blokes are gonna have to dig by hand for which the hourly rate rivals the best corporate lawyer. Damn those genes.


  1. Just when I was eating my lunch!

    Thanks a lot.

    I know that feeling with the drains phrase. We had it at one point, the council's contractor alleging that it was our sewerage that was going into the stormwater, and please cough up for the fix. We had to take a punt on getting in the mole camera to check it out... and by luck the break in the pipe responsible was just over the boundary on council land. Phewf!

  2. Sadly, it looks like the break is on our land. At least it is so far away from the house that we can't smell it....yet.

  3. Oh the horror. I recall a neighbour coming over to tell us our "drains had leaked onto her yard" - which I thought sounded not too bad - until on closer inspection it was just poos and wees and loo paper. We shifted house as soon as we could.

    At least your wife will have some nice burly eye candy to watch. Actually, can I come over too?

  4. Down girl! Have some respect. We have emotions too, we're not pieces of meat to be used and discarded. Damn, can't keep it up. I think that most blokes would be happy to be used and abused! He came, he dug, he shoveled shit, he went. Very efficient effluent mover. Nice arse I am told.

  5. You have missed a very useful biofuel generation opportunity. Set up a balloon to catch the gas then sell it as fart cells...

  6. .....the world's first fart powered car, the SmartyFarty GTi. Try to beat it from the lights as, believe me, you don't want to be behind this baby. Eat my fumes, slowcoach....

  7. LOL yes the recycle button on the dashboard will finally see some use. It can be used for good all bad. Keep the smells out OR in depending on your current deviousness level...

  8. You could have great fun with the air bag. A giant fart to fill it up!